I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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