we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
