he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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