I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
