I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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