Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
