I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
