He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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