it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
