vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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