I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
