@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
