Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
