I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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