Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
