just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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