Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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