clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
