Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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