when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
