Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Michael Bay diarrhea
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
