im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
