Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
