i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
