worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
