I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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