I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
