My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
