So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
