I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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