i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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