I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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