don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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