I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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