I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
