In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
