wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
