So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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