Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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