It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
