My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
