i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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