This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
