I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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