Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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