Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
