"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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