Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
