It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
