Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
