I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
