Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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