i wish my penis had a tongue
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
